Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
