Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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