If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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