I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize