his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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