I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
