I faked an abortion last night.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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