wrigley field is MILF paradise
I bet he comes in French.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
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