i permit you to call me
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize