If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I love you. Go after that dick
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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