I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
