I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I understand Curling. That high.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
