There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize