Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
