I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize