You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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