i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize