This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
And then he peed in my hair
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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