Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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