I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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