I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
