He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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