it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
