what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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