I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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