oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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