I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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