she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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