i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
