before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Randomize
