I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
