He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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