1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
