I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
