I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
