It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
