who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
