My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
