Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
