So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
