If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
