We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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