I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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