So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
