Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
