Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize