we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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