when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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