Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
