i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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