my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
