I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
