I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
