So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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