I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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