Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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