Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
