How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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