I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
