I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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