I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize