a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
