My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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