Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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