there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
