Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
