btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
