I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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