Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
