I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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