We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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