that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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