so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
