I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You are the jesus of drinking
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
